11
Mar, 2010
String Tank Tops Make Me Want to Gouge My Eyes Out
Dear Pea-Brained Meathead,
I’m writing you this letter to kindly suggest a change in the fashion statement you just made at my local gym. As you hammered out 75 sets of t-bar rows using nearly every single 45-lb plate in the entire building, I couldn’t help but notice the neon yellow string tank top you were sporting.
I wanted to let you know that string tank tops paired with tight, tapered windbreaker pants is highly infuriating and may be sending the wrong signal. Or, perhaps it’s sending the appropriate signal, but other gym-goers shouldn’t have to deal with that shit.
After all, nothing screams “Hey, look at me…I’m a big dumb meathead!” louder than some dude wearing a string tank top. String tank tops make me want to gouge my eyes out. I’m shocked that anyone would ever wear these things. Apparently, you meatheads think it’s cool to show off your over-sized back muscles. I’d have to disagree.
There’s just something nasty and irritating about seeing a 215 lb man with a little spaghetti strap-looking string of cotton running down the middle of his back, allowing the world to see his lumpy lats. Gross.
Leave something to the imagination, please. No one wants to stare at your thick-ass back and you need to get that thing waxed anyways.
It’s understandable that with your extremely limited range of muscle-bound-motion, you couldn’t reach it with a razor, but couldn’t that guy who yells at you and slaps you in the face between sets get it for you?
And don’t worry, the staged grunting, careful selection of only exercises that allow you to stack on the maximum amount of plates, and the purposeful dropping of that ungodly amount of weight after each of your seventy-five sets of two reps, is sufficient enough to send the message that you’re by far the strongest douche in the gym.
In other words, we get it. You can lift a shit-ton of weight for two repetitions, but couldn’t run to the end of the dumbbell rack if your life depended on it, nor could you reach up and grab a hundred dollar bill if I held it tauntingly just six inches above your fat head. Quite impressive.
It is my hope in writing you this letter that you might consider toning down your animal-like behavior just a notch or two on the meathead dial. I’d strongly encourage you to start by burning all twenty-seven string tank tops that you own – yes, even the hot pink one – and invest in some loose-fitting tee shirts…you know, those things that all the other guys are wearing at the gym…
If you could grant me this one favor, it’d sure be a huge step towards me not purposely taking my own vision the next time I visit our gym for a functional workout that actually allows me to perform better at everyday activities. Yes, I could come at a different time, but I’ve already tried this avoidance tactic and your six hour marathon workouts (well, eight hours if I include mirror flexing time) make it impossible to escape your presence.
I genuinely appreciate you taking the time out of your supplement pill-popping to read this letter and give it some consideration. I know I speak for the other gym members when I say that the torching of your string tank tops would have to go down as one of the proudest moments in the history of the anti-meathead movement.
In order to prevent meathead behavior withdrawal syndrome (MBWS), we’ll address the tapered pants, beastly grunting and earthquake-worthy slamming of weights at a future date, after ashes from the burning of your neon string tank top collection has settled.
Insincerely,
Meathead Hater and Lean Body Lover
(aka Brad Campbell)
PS – You must not have noticed, but they have several water fountains available that are free to use…there’s no need to carry around that gallon of water anymore.
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