I'm writing you this letter to kindly suggest a change in the fashion statement you just made at my local gym.  As you hammered out 75 sets of t-bar rows using nearly every single 45-lb plate in the entire building, I couldn't help but notice the neon yellow string tank top you were sporting.

I wanted to let you know that string tank tops paired with tight, tapered windbreaker pants is highly infuriating and may be sending the wrong signal.  Or, perhaps it's sending the appropriate signal, but other gym-goers shouldn't have to deal with that shit.

After all, nothing screams "Hey, look at me...I'm a big dumb meathead!" louder than some dude wearing a string tank top.  String tank tops make me want to gouge my eyes out.  I'm shocked that anyone would ever wear these things.  Apparently, you meatheads think it's cool to show off your over-sized back muscles.  I'd have to disagree.

There's just something nasty and irritating about seeing a 215 lb man with a little spaghetti strap-looking string of cotton running down the middle of his back, allowing the world to see his lumpy lats.  Gross.

Leave something to the imagination, please.  No one wants to stare at your thick-ass back and you need to get that thing waxed anyways.

It's understandable that with your extremely limited range of muscle-bound-motion, you couldn't reach it with a razor, but couldn't that guy who yells at you and slaps you in the face between sets get it for you?

And don't worry, the staged grunting, careful selection of only exercises that allow you to stack on the maximum amount of plates, and the purposeful dropping of that ungodly amount of weight after each of your seventy-five sets of two reps, is sufficient enough to send the message that you're by far the strongest douche in the gym.

In other words, we get it.  You can lift a shit-ton of weight for two repetitions, but couldn't run to the end of the dumbbell rack if your life depended on it, nor could you reach up and grab a hundred dollar bill if I held it tauntingly just six inches above your fat head.  Quite impressive.

It is my hope in writing you this letter that you might consider toning down your animal-like behavior just a notch or two on the meathead dial.  I'd strongly encourage you to start by burning all twenty-seven string tank tops that you own - yes, even the hot pink one - and invest in some loose-fitting tee shirts...you know, those things that all the other guys are wearing at the gym...

If you could grant me this one favor, it'd sure be a huge step towards me not purposely taking my own vision the next time I visit our gym for a functional workout that actually allows me to perform better at everyday activities.  Yes, I could come at a different time, but I've already tried this avoidance tactic and your six hour marathon workouts (well, eight hours if I include mirror flexing time) make it impossible to escape your presence.

I genuinely appreciate you taking the time out of your supplement pill-popping to read this letter and give it some consideration.  I know I speak for the other gym members when I say that the torching of your string tank tops would have to go down as one of the proudest moments in the history of the anti-meathead movement.

In order to prevent meathead behavior withdrawal syndrome (MBWS), we'll address the tapered pants, beastly grunting and earthquake-worthy slamming of weights at a future date, after ashes from the burning of your neon string tank top collection has settled.

Insincerely,

Meathead Hater and Lean Body Lover

(aka Brad Campbell)

PS - You must not have noticed, but they have several water fountains available that are free to use... there's no need to carry around that gallon of water anymore.

Resource for "semi-meatheads": Workout Routines To Build Muscle

I swear I can't go the gym without having a funny story to share with you guys.  Seriously, it's impossible.  There's just too much irony and way too many meatheads to not see something hilarious (and by hilarious, I mean frustrating in a way that makes me want to gouge my eyes out).

Alright, so I'm at the gym the other night, minding my business, doing my thing, when I can't help but notice this stereotypical meathead hanging out on the squat rack.  I'll give the kid some credit because he had a major case of bird legs and he was actually working on them (which is better than most guys can say) - first with about 20 sets of squats and then he moved onto calves.

No problems yet, except for the fact that he was hogging the damn squat rack for the length of my entire workout, which meant I had to improvise and hit my quads with some Bulgarian split squats (ouch).  Anyways, as I watched this kid check himself out in the mirror for about 5-minutes in between each set, I slowly started to get irritated.

Then, his girlfriend musta finished her cardio workout because all of a sudden there's this chick hanging out with him, which extends his rest periods to about 10-minutes of "OMG story time."

Gimme a break dude, talk to your girl when you're done with your damn workout.

I think he was one of those paranoid, over-protective boyfriends who has to have his girlfriend right there with him at the gym, but at the same time is never more than like two feet away from her because he's scared other dudes will be checking her out (you've all seen that guy before).

Anyways, the happy couple who apparently think they're on a date are not only preventing me from doing my planned bodybuilding workout because of their time-consuming shenanigans... but they're starting to get all touch-feely as if there's no one else in the gym.

Really?

It gets worse.  After cranking out some sets of standing calf raises (again, he gets some props for working on the legs), he feels the need to do donkey calf raises.  Here we go.  Next thing I know I see this clown tell his girlfriend to mount him, as he bends over at the waist and does his reps.

Ridiculous.

I felt like punching him in the throat.

You're not Arnold Schwarzenegger bro and no one believes for a second that it would be tough to do donkey calf raises with a 95-lb sorority girl on your back.

I don't know, maybe I was just pissy because they were completely blocking off the squat rack, but seeing this dude grunt and huff and puff with his frail girlfriend on his back, just sent me over the edge.  Plus, there was a seated calf machine like 5-feet away.

I think he was just trying to impress his girlfriend...either that or he was suffering from meatheaditis (that's a new medical term I just made up, lol).

If you're going to take more than 90-seconds rest in between working sets, you better be either puking, contemplating puking or getting a really big drink of water.

If you're checking yourself out in the mirror, giggling with your girlfriend, fixing your hair, talking on your cell phone or reading a magazine, you're wasting your time and drastically reducing your chances of making any progress - whether it be fat loss or building lean muscle.

I know none of YOU pull this crap...I just wanted to share that story with you.  It was kinda funny and extremely irritating, all at the same time.

Okay, I'm done with donkey calf raises and I'm done with my rant.  Good to get that off my chest.

Anyways, who else is absolutely RIPPING it up this weekend?  I'm about to annihilate the lean body workout I have planned for today.  Time to get in the zone...talk soon.

Your Coach,

Brad Campbell

PS - Here's some bomb-diggity workouts you might want to check out: Navy SEALs Workout and Workouts To Build Muscle